The Example of Parents

Mark and I have worked with youth in the church for years through the youth programs or Mark being Bishop.  One thing we have noticed is that good, faithful, active parents grow good, faithful active youth.  The opposite is also true.  If you want your kids to grow up and drop out of activity about age 14 (which seems to be the age many kids disappear), then be pretty inactive yourself.  They'll follow your example.

The most puzzling of all parental behaviors is the "do as I say, not as I do" parent.  These are hard because they will call the Bishop or youth leaders and whine and complain about their kids not wanting to go to seminary or mutual or on missions or anything else.  They WANT their kids to do all these things but the kids are turning it all into a big battle.  

Sometimes those calls come from the good, active and faithful parents.  But, more often than not, those calls come from the parents who are not really modeling the behavior they want from their kids.  

• If you want your child to go to youth activities, then go to ward activities yourself.
• if the Gospel is important, then don't let other things replace it like sports on mutual nights all year or early morning activities that keep them from seminary.  
• If you want your child to think the temple is important, then attend it.
• If you want your child to take seminary seriously and go, then have family scripture study in the home
• If you want your child to learn to participate and magnify callings, don't call back and get him/her out of every talk, assignment or calling issued to them because they are "too busy".
• If you want your child to think callings are important, magnify or just do your own
• If you want the Sabbath to be honored, don't treat it like any other day yourself

So many times, parents who call the youth leaders or the Bishop about their children are not setting the example themselves.  They just want someone to "fix" their child.  They don't want to have to work at it themselves.

Our Stake President has a pretty strict set of standards for prospective missionaries.  They must essentially live like a missionary for 3 months before he will turn in their papers.  His rules include; no TV on the Sabbath, no worldly music and 3 months of 100% home or visiting teaching.  

At a stake RS meeting last year, he said he was surprised at how many prospective Elders told him it was REALLY HARD to avoid TV in their homes on the Sabbath.  My immediate thought was, "Why wouldn't those parents turn off that TV and help their sons prepare for missions?"  How sad.  He said some young men and women spent all Sunday afternoon in their rooms while their families watched football or movies or other shows.  If these parents WANT their son or daughter to serve a mission, then why aren't they supporting them in their preparation?  

I can't remember which General Authority said this at a Stake Conference 20+ years ago, but it made a HUGE impression on us.  He called this kind of "do as I say, not as I do" attitude, "Sloppy living of the gospel".   Parents need to set the example for the behaviors they want from their kids or they will get only what they model - kids who rise to the same level of commitment they do.  Sometimes parents blame the kids (and call their leaders for help) when, in fact, they need to think about how the kids learned to be casual about their activity in church.  

Last night, on the way home from the temple, Mark and I got talking about some family members who were never very active in the church.  Their adult children are not active at all (although they attended on Sunday growing up) and we expect their children's children to never set foot in the church.   None have married in the temple and most of their spouses are not members of the church.  We talked about how sad it was to essentially have a whole branch of our family tree pruned right our of our eternal family.  As we talked about this, we came to the conclusion that if neutral activity is the center point, wherever you fall above or below that, so will your kids.   Future generations may even magnify and take a step beyond you in the direction away from the mid-point.  It would be rare for someone from a completely inactive family to roar back into full activity.  Your parents teach you how important or unimportant the gospel is to your life.  

While their friends may have a strong influence on your children, you can too.  And, although they may walk away from the church once in a while and you may need some extra support to get them back on track.  At the end of the day, neither the Bishop, nor the youth leaders can undo the example you have set for your kids.  Something to think about next time you decide to skip a meeting...